Screw anti-depressants.

Sometimes I WANNA die.

Definition of ruin.

ru·in (rn)
n.

1. Total destruction or disintegration, either physical, moral, social, or economic.
2. A cause of total destruction.
3.
a. The act of destroying totally.
b. A destroyed person, object, or building.
4. The remains of something destroyed, disintegrated, or decayed. Often used in the plural: studied the ruins of ancient Greece.
v. ru·ined, ru·in·ing, ru·ins
v.tr.
1. To destroy completely; demolish.
2. To harm irreparably.
3. To reduce to poverty or bankruptcy.
4. To deprive of chastity.
v.intr.
To fall into ruin.

It felt better to talk about it.

With people that understood.

I came home from the Amplify Music Conference the other day.

I haven't been the same ever since.

I've been playing out since I was 16, and i've always dreamed of doing music professionally since I was a kid. And once I got older and began doing bigger shows, I learned that music is a business. It's never been something that i've put out of mind, but I always thought I was ahead of the curb. Everything I know, I had put behind me when I had joined LMX. Stuff I had gotten tired of: Selling tickets, promoting at malls and music stores, high schools, it's a numbers game. I had always tried to put it out of mind the impossible odds I was up against, but it all came rushing back in when I was sitting through the conference.

I was never in it for just the money, you stick with what you love for the love of doing it. But to be reminded by the very people running the business, like the VP of Atlantic Records and touring manager of Hawthorne Heights, is just jarring. I've always known the truth, but it hurts to hear the truth from someone else.

I'm too mentally and emotionally exausted to try to survive in a business where the gatekeepers aren't able to support influx of new clients. The market is being flooded and oversaturated everyday, and it's become a lottery of people that don't know the facts. With the internet aimed at being the new medium for sharing and buying music in the next 10 years, everything that bands used to do to make it to the top is basically out the door. It's not a "Get a band, get an album, and someone will pick you up at a show" game anymore, although given my age, how can I really know.

I haven't learned anything new, i'm just accepting the truth.

I am eternally happy that I will always have a penchant for writing and playing music. I've never needed money, but I had always hoped that my love for music would be hotlinked to my musical career. I can and always have been happy without money, so I guess I AM still ahead of the curve.

A true musician will play for nothing.