I don't know sometimes.

The fact that I keep several different blogs as to sway people's eye on my life makes it very difficult to keep up with myself when I forget things...

I'm quite convinced i'm insane. Last week I missed a night of sleep, purposely. I'm not sure why, but I then proceded to overwork my body at practice that night. It was to a point that I realized that I don't even play like that at shows, and that I was just testing myself the 24 hours I had been awake. There's playing energetically, and playing to hurt yourself. I didn't get to hurt myself that night.

Not even in a sense to actually cause bodily harm to myself, but just another test of how much stress I can put myself under and walk away fine. It's not something new for me, cuz I've done it in other forms like putting myself in uncomfortable situations just to see how I handle it and hopefully learn from it in case it happens on accident someday. I'll do things that are emotionally stimulating after taking something and purposely dump myself into conversations some people shouldn't have with others.

I'm attributing these facts to the person i've come to realize I am. I've gotten over fear of physical harm, public humiliation, emotional trauma, hurting people's feelings, being held responsible for something, whatever. Recently I cut off ties with someone very close to me that helped me cap the top of my wall of fortitude. Even though that's in the past, I can't stop thinking. But it's a natural reaction: After a period of time and a degree of familiarity, emotionally insulting things can still tweak you. I still feel confident in what I did was right.

I want pills now more than ever.