I see bad things.

Not in a worldly sense, everyone knows the planet is fucked in the long run..

Life's not fair, and i've been known to rant about exactly how shitty it can be. But as time has passed, i've seen how bad life treats other people, and it really bums me out. I don't think it's my place to talk about these things, but since everyone else is talking about them...

I won't divulge any, but I don't think any musician deserves anything bad to happen to him (like Dave Chapelle feels about black people). I know a guy in the punk scene here who's been doing what he loved, and had a woman that he loved. But when this vocalist's throat up and got cancer on him, it seemed that his partner just wasn't up for helping him through the tough time ahead of him. I saw him last night at a show I went to, and I think I almost cried. He was with her, and I am beginning to be able to see his cheek bones and whatnot. It makes me angrily sad to see that because his woman should be there for him, and word through the grapevine says NYC is a better idea than caring for him. I know it should've caught my eye whether he was a musician or not, and it may have if I didn't know him as anything different.

I'm not always a nice guy, but people should still have boundaries.

There aren't enough Saints in the world, or even just good people to take care of their kids. One of my old friends is stuck trying to raise a kid BY HERSELF, and the baby isn't of conventional stock. She NEEDS some extra attention, which basically beaches mommy, and opens up a demand for a father figure to step up and fill the position. I wish I could help, but it's not my place to lend a hand. Not when there's a family's worth of people that should be on the case helping her take care. Not to mention the FUCKING DAD.

People need to live up to the duties they've appointed themselves to. If you can't prepare yourself for the duty of taking care of a kid, do the future spawn and yourself a favor and keep your dick in saran wrap. And if you can't deliver through sickness and health, do your spouse a favor and leave them at the altar. It'll hurt less in the long run, i'm sure.

They've just been on my mind.

I'm okay with being angry.

I'm not angry right now, but I think i'm okay with doing irrational things to blow off steam.

The other day, I was driving home from a long day of work and lots of driving. I had been cut loose on my own again, running service calls and shit. So at the end of my day, I got to drive home from Loop 202 and Power Road. I was afraid on my way out there that I had missed the turn and was in Apache Junction or something, it was so far out. Knowing I had to deal with that didn't help... Then almost an hour of driving later, I run into construction near Amber's work I-17 before the curve northbound. So I try to signal my big ass heavy work truck into another lane, but the BMW behind me isn't letting me in, and i'm getting closer to where the lane is about to stop. So I speed up and start moving in with my blinker on anyway, i'm not asking anymore. I'm telling, and she isn't hearing: I'm about to crash into her for being a stubborn and inconsiderate driver. So I roll down my window and tell her thanks for not letting me in, but I called her cunt too.

And I screamed it like Corey Taylor.

So, before the exit for the 51, I gun it into the exit for 32nd Street exit (or 24th, I can't remember) to get up beside her and throw the first thing I can get my hand on that my eyes agree with. I yelled "FUCK YOU!" as I unscrewed my 4 hour old bottle of piss and threw it at her shiny BMW from some Scottsdale dealership.

Fuck Scottsdale. Fuck the people that are feeding it to make it bigger. And fuck the stupid drivers that it spawns.

*exhale*

I need to feel sexy sometimes.

Sometimes, I wish she would buy in more to the perverted and sexual things I do.

I sometimes walk around with no underwear and my short sagging so my 'V' is noticably visible. I'll turn something into a sexual pun or ennuendo while we talking to see if she ever says anything back. Or i'll purposely stare at parts of her body that I likey while she's standing.. A little effort is nice.

Whatever.

Screw anti-depressants.

Sometimes I WANNA die.

I came home from the Amplify Music Conference the other day.

I haven't been the same ever since.

I've been playing out since I was 16, and i've always dreamed of doing music professionally since I was a kid. And once I got older and began doing bigger shows, I learned that music is a business. It's never been something that i've put out of mind, but I always thought I was ahead of the curb. Everything I know, I had put behind me when I had joined LMX. Stuff I had gotten tired of: Selling tickets, promoting at malls and music stores, high schools, it's a numbers game. I had always tried to put it out of mind the impossible odds I was up against, but it all came rushing back in when I was sitting through the conference.

I was never in it for just the money, you stick with what you love for the love of doing it. But to be reminded by the very people running the business, like the VP of Atlantic Records and touring manager of Hawthorne Heights, is just jarring. I've always known the truth, but it hurts to hear the truth from someone else.

I'm too mentally and emotionally exausted to try to survive in a business where the gatekeepers aren't able to support influx of new clients. The market is being flooded and oversaturated everyday, and it's become a lottery of people that don't know the facts. With the internet aimed at being the new medium for sharing and buying music in the next 10 years, everything that bands used to do to make it to the top is basically out the door. It's not a "Get a band, get an album, and someone will pick you up at a show" game anymore, although given my age, how can I really know.

I haven't learned anything new, i'm just accepting the truth.

I am eternally happy that I will always have a penchant for writing and playing music. I've never needed money, but I had always hoped that my love for music would be hotlinked to my musical career. I can and always have been happy without money, so I guess I AM still ahead of the curve.

A true musician will play for nothing.